Sinking through the Depths (Part III)

This is Part III of “Sinking through the Depths”. If you haven’t already, you can read Part I here and Part II here.

The hassle of getting her, wheelchair and all, into the boat became worth it as soon as they got up on plane and glided through the gentle swells of the calm morning sea. The hum of the engine, the spray of the wake cutting through the salty air. He looked back to see her eyes were closed with a smile, breathing through her nose. In that moment he just knew they’d find a way to be happy. Daydreams of feeding her steak, doing the airplane and treating her like a child in jest, getting some kind of off-road wheelchair they could take into the woods, cleaning her and taking care of her. He’d already made up his mind to dedicate the rest of his life to caring for and supporting her, and in a way, that commitment mitigated his guilt. It wouldn’t be easy, far from it, but he accepted that as his future path.

He gave it some more gas and headed to the reef where they used to snorkel and dive, cut the engine, and just floated there, the only sounds being the waves lapping softly against the hull.

“Remember the last time we were here?” he asked, knowing she remembered.

“It was amazing.” They had brought a couple pool floats, a floating cooler, and attached themselves to the boat with a rope while they sunbathed and drank frosty cold beers for hours under the midday sun, no one else in sight. “What I wouldn’t give to relive that day,” she said without a hint of regret.

“I’ll figure out a way we can do it again,” he said, already scheming up ways to make it happen.

She sighed. “Not to change the subject, but I need to talk to you about something.” He was immediately filled with dread. No good conversation follows from something like that. “I had an intense dream, except it was as real as this is real right here, now. I had a visit from my spirit guide, at least…that’s what he called himself. He knew everything about me…I mean everything. Things from my early childhood no one could ever know. Things I’d long forgotten, things I never could have known as a child. He said it was my choice whether or not I wanted to continue in this life, that what I came here to learn has been learned, that my future, if I wanna go on here, is a difficult one and there isn’t an important reason why I should continue. He said I could finish this life if I wanted but…” in response to his skeptical look, “…I know it sounds fucking crazy but I’m telling you this was real. He said I could finish this life if I wanted to but I didn’t have to, that it was my choice.”

“What the fuck are you saying?”

“I want you to do what’s best for me, what I want, and what’s best for you baby.”

He knew what she meant but it was so unexpected and so uncharacteristic of her that he needed to hear her say it. “Just tell me what, exactly, you’re asking.”

“I want you to let me sink to the bottom of the ocean. I want you to start a new life and be happy eventually. That’s what I want. Please.” She was sadder for him than herself and she knew she could never have the strength to do what she was asking of him if their roles were reversed.

“Jesus Christ Sarah we can find a way to have a good life. You’re not yourself right now just give it a couple days. We just need to think…you don’t know what kind of technology…”

“Kyle. This is what I want. I’ve thought about it for a long time and I’ve made my decision. It’s why I wanted you to take me out here in the first place. I’m sorry.”

He said nothing and looked away from her toward the distant shore, just an inch tall, bobbing up and down. There was no way he could do it. It was just a temporary mood, he told himself. He straddled her from behind, undid her head brace, and smelled her hair. It was brittle from the ocean spray and the air and it smelled the same as it always did after they’d go snorkeling or skinny dipping when no other boats were around. He just held her. They said nothing for a while.

Finally she broke the silence. “I understand the gravity of the situation and what I’m asking of you but I’d never even ask if I didn’t think you were strong enough to actually do it. You know I have nothing to live for.”

“Shut the fuck up, seriously, shut the fuck up,” as he walked in front of her to face her.

“I can’t fucking move. I can’t eat I can’t scratch my face I can’t wipe myself I can’t do anything but sit here and be a total fucking burden on you and everyone around me! You know it.”

He said nothing because he knew she was right.

“Kyle you’re the best thing that ever happened to me. I’m glad I lived to twenty-five with you instead of to eighty without you and I think you know I mean that. But it’s time. I’m done I can’t live like this you know I can’t.”

“So what, I just dump you in the fucking ocean then drive back home and…and what? You really think I could ever do that?”

“It’s that or we go back home together and end up hating each other because I can’t do anything and neither can you. This really isn’t a big deal. I know it seems like it is but we’ll be together again, I know it.”

“Ha, that sounds strange coming from you.” He looked down. “Thing is…I…I know you’re right but it’s just, what the fuck! I just dump you in the ocean and kill you? You know how crazy that is?”

“Not as crazy as suffering through the next however many bullshit years.”

They sat in silence for a while, thinking. Instead of completely dismissing her request he actually thought about it and realized he’d want the same if he were in her situation. The waves continued to lap against the boat with their little popping sounds, the tick-tock of the ocean, a symbol of her life’s clock ticking away.

“You mean it? Like…this is truly what you want? Really?”

“You’ll be fine sweetie. I’ll always be with you as long as you live.”

He continued to sit in thought for a minute. “When…I mean…you’re talking about today? Now?”

“I’m ready now. But you better get your sexy ass over here and kiss me first,” as she smiled sadly but genuinely.

They kissed and both of them tried to remember every sensation and every emotion to make sure it was a kiss that lasted for all of eternity. Their lips parted. “I’m ready,” she said. “Don’t worry about me, really. I hope you’re able to find happiness in some form in time. You know time heals all. And I hope you never forget me, and never forget all the experiences we shared. They were all beautiful. I want you to think about me, but with a smile, not a frown. I love you more than you’ll ever know.”

“I’m only doing this because I love you and want you to have what you want, and I know this is what you want. It’s what I’d want if I were you. I’ll never forget you as long as I live, sweetness.”

With that, he hoisted her and her chair over the stern and held her there in the water, her head just inches from the surface. He couldn’t believe what he was about to do, it all seemed so surreal, like a movie, not something he was an actual part of. “Ready?” He was shaking.

She paused for a few seconds, took a few breaths, and said, “Yeah. I love you Kyle.”

“I’ll love you forever Sarah.”

The wheelchair handle finally slid through his reluctant hand. She started sinking slowly, tiny bubbles rising to the surface refusing to suffer her fate. Five feet, ten feet. Twenty feet. It was the last time he’d ever look upon her after seeing her almost every day for six years, after envisioning a perfect life together traveling, raising children, eating dinner together each night, joking, laughing. And now he was killing her after paralyzing her. How incredible that life can change so drastically, so suddenly.

An uncontrollable panic welled up inside him as he watched her exhale the last of her air and he impulsively dove down to her and put his lips on hers and gave her his breath. She had a worried look on her face and glanced up at the surface as if to tell him to go, to leave her, to forget about her and go and start a new life without her. He shook his head “No” and embraced her and kissed her deeply as he always did and their salty tears merged with those of the ocean. They were forty feet down with no possible way he could return her to the surface, his own window for survival rapidly shutting. She exhaled the last of her air and the two of them watched as the bubbles rose, little oscillating metallic disks of life escaping them, returning to the world above.

They looked into each others’ eyes as they sank and both had the same thought: “How beautiful you look right now.” And with that they breathed deeply of the ocean and everything around them turned into a bright warm glittering gold just like the aura Kyle saw in his dream. There was no pain, no break in consciousness as they watched their bodies in the golden light below them, sinking through the depths.