We often do things that are expected of us even if we don’t actually want to do them. There is relentless, substantial pressure on us from every angle. Pressure from society, family, our significant others, our friends, our pets. My dogs are always like, “Feed me asshole! Take me for a hike!” And I do, but because I enjoy it.
These external pressures and expectations are often not in our own best interests. We are pressured to do things that won’t make us happy, or worse, will make us unhappy. We have a short time here on this beautiful Earth. There’s no valid reason we shouldn’t do what makes us happy, as long as we aren’t harming others, and as long as it’s relatively responsible. That means don’t just quit working and go on a long vacation you can’t afford, as tempting as that sounds.
Often it’s difficult to determine what we actually want because we mix up what’s expected of us with our desires. It’s natural to convince ourselves that we want something we’re working towards, even if the true reason we’re working towards it is external pressure. You really have to sit down, be completely honest with yourself (not easy), and think, Do I actually want this?
Do I really want to get married, or is my decision strongly influenced by societal pressure? “How long have you guys been together, five years? Put a ring on that!” Is the decision influenced by your parents who desperately want grandkids? By her family who thinks you’re wasting her time if you’re not gonna propose? By a society which often deems you a failure if you’re not married? Are you very happy with your significant other and how the relationship is, but feel this external pressure to propose marriage? Will marriage make you happy? Is it what you want? Think about it.
Do you actually want to go to college, or are you going only because your parents said you had to? Would you rather learn a trade on your own and start a business? Do you really want to go to your friend’s dinner party, or did you agree just because you don’t have other plans and are expected to go even though you’d rather watch a movie alone?
I know, lots of questions. In order to figure out what you actually want, you’re going to have to ask yourself these questions and answer them honestly.
I won’t lie to you and say I always do what I want, and that I never do anything just because it’s expected of me. Maybe one day I’ll be so lucky, but in the meantime, there are reasonable expectations that I live up to, both at work and at home. It will probably always be this way, to an extent. But I’m more aware than I have ever been of what I actually want, and when I do something I don’t necessarily want to do, I’m conscious of that fact. I don’t lie to myself and say I actually want to be doing that thing. I tell myself I don’t really want to do it, but I’m going to do it because maybe I should, or maybe the consequences of not doing it would negate any happiness gained by not doing it.
It gets a little trickier too. A lot of the time we don’t want to do things that we should do because those things scare us, even if we know we should do them. So in addition to being aware of outside forces, you also have to be aware of your inner fear, which is a very powerful inner force that will prevent you from doing things that will ultimately make you happier.
If you lack social skills but would love to improve them, you’re not going to want to go to a big party full of strangers because it’s scary. You don’t want to do it, but the motivation for not doing it is fear, not outside forces. You should go to the party to improve yourself. What you want is better social skills, and the more you expose yourself to social situations, the better they’ll get. So for your long-term happiness, you should push yourself to go to that party.
If you’re a fat slob, you’re not going to want to go to the gym and you’re not going to want to eat that lean chicken breast with brown rice and steamed broccoli. You have to ask yourself why you don’t want to, and the answer is fear. Fear of the pain, fear of the Cheese Doodle (my favorites) and beer (actually THIS is my favorite) withdrawals, fear of failure to lose weight, fear of being stared at by the fit gym goers. You should go to the gym.
The more you’re aware of what you want and what your motivations are, aware of those constant external forces as well as the inner ones, the more you’ll start living your life on your own terms instead of others’, the more free you’ll be, and the happier you’ll be. You don’t have much time here so make sure you spend as much of it as possible doing what you actually want, what will make you happy. Not what’s expected of you.