Alcohol Facts You Probably Didn’t Know. This Is Instead of Writing the 3rd Update to “30 Days of No Alcohol” Be…

…cause there isn’t much to update and I’m feeling unimaginative.

Today marks three weeks of drinking only water. Due to the lack of alcohol and any semblance of fun times over the last three weeks of my increasingly dull excuse for a “life” (it’s so dull I can’t even bring myself to refer to my existence as a life without the quotation marks), I have less than zero energy and have taken to crawling and/or rolling around instead of walking. Sometimes I slide, which is made easy by the excessive tears of boredom pouring from my eyes at all hours of the day. I had to get the plastic peepee sheets and pillow cases to prevent permanent damage to my Tempur-Pedic pillow and poverty mattress while I cry in my sober sleep.

Anyway, interesting alcohol facts:

Muscle tissue is rich with water, meaning it absorbs alcohol effectively, meaning muscular people are less affected by alcohol.
– This is why I have such a high alcohol tolerance: I have so much muscle and so little fat that it is literally and scientifically beyond ridiculous, at least according to the hordes of nubile females incessantly grabbing at me in the streets.

Nikola Tesla drank whiskey every day.
– Tesla was much smarter than I, which leads me to my next experiment: drinking whiskey every day for 30 days. Years?

Adolf Hitler abstained from alcohol.
– Therefore, abstainers are most likely evil.

The oldest recipe on record is for beer.
– The oldest person on record is yo mama.

The average American drinks 33 gallons of beer each year.
– That’s less than one beer per day. Pussies.

Chaki, the founder, CEO, and entire staff of dingtwist.com, wants alcohol much more after researching for and writing this post than he has in these entire three weeks of abstinence.
– I just confirmed this with myself.

This exhilarating series (see New York Times review below) of 30 Days of No Alcohol posts will culminate on Saturday, May 10th, the 31st day of drinking nothing but water. As I write this post, the plan is to get very drunk on that day and perhaps publish something here which will soon after embarrass me. Plan subject to change.

The ’30 Days of No Alcohol series by Chaki Kobayashi, founder and CEO of the world-and-most-likely-very-soon-Milky-Way-and-potentially-even-observable-universe-famous website dingtwist.com, was a fascinating view into the world of alcohol, or perhaps more appropriately, the world of no alcohol. Those fortunate to have come across the series undoubtedly learned not only several fascinating facts about the author, but also countless marvelous insights about themselves. For six straight minutes I was unable to put down my computer. He is a brilliantly specimen who, in his own words, is ‘pretty legit’, he guesses. I highly recommend not only reading his epic series which will undoubtedly persist for hundreds (thousands?) of generations, but also donating all of your money to him or at least buying this product, the most expensive item he could find on Amazon, so he can receive a healthy commission and afford to eat food next week.
– Mike Litoris, New York Times

What do you get when you mix English class with booze?

Tequila Mockingbird

I’m done.

__________

Sources: www.google.com