How many of your beliefs were force fed to you by society, parents, friends, teachers? Probably a whole lot of them, and you might not even realize it. I know I still have many deep-seated beliefs bestowed upon me by society, yet I’ve never questioned them. I’m uncovering new ones all the time, thanks mostly to the writings of people smarter than I, but also thanks to my willingness to question my beliefs.
The problem with blindly accepting beliefs is that many, maybe even most of them, do not benefit us. Many are harmful to us, and beliefs which are beneficial to one person may be harmful to another. For example, many of us are programmed from an early age to believe that the following sequence of events is what we must do to achieve happiness:
- Get good grades in high school to go to the best college possible
- Go to college and study whatever will make you the most money
- Get a job, work your ass off and work your way up the ladder to make as much money as possible
- Get a graduate degree to make more money
- Meet a girl/guy, get married in your 20’s
- Buy a house, 2 car garage, white picket fence, a dog or two
- Have kids in your late-20’s, early-30’s
- Set your kids on the same path you followed so they can do the same
- Retire at 65 with your nest egg house and your retirement accounts and pursue your hobbies, spending as much time as you can with your grandkids
When we don’t measure up to the above, and many or most of us don’t, we become stressed and worried and we feel inadequate. That’s fucked up!
Personally, I’ve seen through the marriage trap for years (to be explained below), but The American Dream™ was only revealed to me as a farce less than a year ago, causing my entire outlook to change.
Do you really want to spend such a huge chunk of the physically prime years of your life in a cubicle or an office, getting paid a fraction of the value you provide to the company, getting absolutely raped with taxes?
How many people do you know who actually like their jobs? I don’t mean “Eh it’s not bad,” or “I don’t mind it most of the time.” I mean “I love my job!” or “I can’t wait to work on this project!” I don’t think I know a single person who loves his job. Yet we all spend so much time doing it. Work to live though, I guess. Live for the weekends. Right?
I truly don’t mean to say the life sequence I outlined above is a terrible life. It’s not, and many people who follow that path are perfectly content. Happy, even. I’m only saying that it’s not the path to happiness. Actually, it’s an unlikely path to happiness. Humans are not meant to be cooped up inside all day staring at a computer. We’re not meant to be gears in a giant corporate machine. It’s unhealthy. It’s counter to what our minds and bodies crave. Counter to what our spirits crave, which is freedom, creativity, and variety of experience. But it’s the life plan that’s forced upon us throughout our formative years and beyond. Most people, in America at least, have the subconscious belief that it’s what they should do.
The point of this post is to get you to step back and really inspect your mind and your life plan from a 3rd person perspective. Question all of your beliefs, even the ones you hold most strongly. Especially the ones you hold most strongly. “I believe I have to get married by the age of 30.” Ok, so you have that belief. Why? The answer is probably something like “Well, because I want to.” Do you though? Why? “Because…that’s what I’m supposed to do?” It’s likely that the belief that you have to get married is fueled by societal, familial, and peer pressure. That’s no reason to do something that may not be in your best interests. Most people in their 20’s don’t yet know who they are, especially in their early/mid-20’s. I didn’t. I guess I still don’t, although I know more who I am today than I did yesterday than I did a year ago. Yet these kids (can I call 25 year-olds “kids” yet?) legally bind themselves to other kids who also don’t know who they are, and they’re supposed to stay together as they both change and figure out who they are, even if their two paths are highly divergent. Marrying young is one of the main reasons the divorce rate is so high in America.
I mentioned the marriage trap before so I’ll briefly explain why I’m anti-marriage, especially for men.
It’s a societal, legal construct that limits your personal freedom, and has its roots in religion, which itself is largely bullshit because it tells you what to believe. Don’t get me wrong – I’d like to settle down with one girl some day and spend the rest of my life with her and have kids. And if I don’t, well, que será, será. But there isn’t a single legitimate reason to make it legal. Yes there are financial benefits, but they aren’t advantageous enough to offset the potential financial downsides of marriage.
First, especially in a no-fault divorce state such as Connecticut, marriage is decidedly anti-male. For example, hypothetically(!!!) my future wife could cheat on me with my best friends and my brother, divorce me, take the house, half my assets, and get alimony and child support (which is so high nowadays it can’t be denied that it’s just another form of alimony). Adultery does not affect the equitable distribution of marital assets. What the fuck? Why would I subject myself to such an institution, as a man? “Because I would never marry a woman who would ever do that!” Same thing most guys this happened to said of their brides around the time they got married. You can’t control other people, and you never really know another person and what he/she is capable of.
You might be thinking, “You’re just scared, pussy!” And you would be right. I am scared, and one might successfully argue that I am a pussy.
Plus, the divorce rate is around 50% with 70% initiated by the woman. If I were a gambling man (and I am), I would tell you to stick those odds up your anus.
That’s just the logical, financial downside of the institution of marriage, which is secondary to the main reason I’m anti-marriage: people tend not to try as hard once they’re married for a few years. The wife gets fat and the husband stops being romantic. They’re together forever supposedly, so there isn’t as much of a need to seduce each other. If you’re not married and splitting up is as easy as breaking up without the hassle and social stigma of a divorce, each party will tend to try harder to make the other happy and the relationship has a better chance of lasting happily ’til death do they part. It’s human nature and it’s logic.
But what if you’re not married, you’re not happy, so you just break up? Well that sucks, it really does, but it’s better than staying in a shitty, unhappy marriage because you don’t want to go through the hassle of a divorce. Right? Right. Am I having a conversation with myself? Perhaps.
I’m not saying everyone who gets married is stupid. The point I’m making, verbosely, is that the belief that you need to get married is a great example of a belief that’s deeply ingrained in us by society. It’s a shitty belief. If you want to get married, fine, but do it consciously, not because you’re supposed to, and realize what you’re getting into.
This applies to everything in life. Why are you doing what you’re doing? Is it to make yourself happy, or is it to make someone else happy, or to conform to society? Always be aware of your motivations. At the root of the motivations that fuel your actions are your beliefs. Make sure those beliefs are yours and not someone else’s.
Some other common beliefs which people hold strongly: global warming is bad/good and caused by or not caused by man; homosexuality is fine or terrible; lots of money makes it easier or doesn’t make it easier to be happy; Chaki is amazing in every way or he is unbelievably awesome in every way.
Read what I write but don’t just patently disregard or accept it. Think about it yourself and come to your own conclusions. If you’re confused or can’t come to a decision about what to believe, it’s ok not to know. Admitting not knowing is better than arguing a point you don’t know is right. It’s difficult to admit because we love arguing and we love being right, and we like to think that all of our beliefs are right and other people’s conflicting beliefs are wrong. I used to do the same, and I still do sometimes, unfortunately. Maybe I’m doing that right now… However, I try never look down on a person’s beliefs as long as he has thought them out and is not flailing blindly, unquestioningly, wantonly through life.
Question your beliefs and ye shall have relief!
I know, stupid ending. Sue me. This is some heavy shit so if you want to improve your mood, click on the link below for a quick, cute, light-hearted post. Happy Friday!